- Hunter S. Thompson
Published by junkly doright at newsflavor.com:
Tom Cruise comes out to support ObamaCare as Dominion Power decides to shut off power to Ann Curry's house. True story.
Dominion Power, located in Virginia (USA), has recently experienced record power outages. International Dominion Power spokesperson, Ann Curry, released a press release early Saturday morning to address customer's complaints of no electrical power.
"We understand that Tom Cruise has caused this power outage and it was not due to storms," Ann Curry reported to an audience of seventy thousand blood thirsty zombies. "And that's why we're brining ObamaCare back."
The zombies did not respond.
"And sexy," she continued. "Dominion Power is bringing sexy back as well."
While nearly a quarter of a billion of people are still without power, Ann Curry assured her customer base of Dominion Power, that once Tom Cruise finished the NBA Draft picks for 2012, power would be restored in time for everyone to form single file lines and pick up their vouchers for ObamaCare.
"This truly is democracy at it's finest," Mitt Romney sputtered over a jar of mayonaise. Dick Cheney, drunk as a billy bird in the background, kept whistling dixie the entire time.
"You know what I'm sick of," Tom Cruise said while laying prostrate before the golden calf of Satan. "I'm sick of Dominion Power telling us all when we can turn on our orgasmotron 5000s."
"You're still using the 5000 model," Ann Curry asked while slapping a salmon against a Dominion Power electrical grid.
"No one tells me what to do!"
"Get back in your cage, Adele," screamed Tom Cruise, picking up a terrorist rocket launcher and firing it repeatedly into a Dominion Power nuclear power plant.
"You just screwed us," muttered Ann Curry. "Now I'm never going to get to watch the NBA Draft 2012."
As the legions of bloodthirsty zombies began flaying ObamaCare employees, Adele belched out repeated tunes about her multiple abortions. Ann Curry, never one to miss ObamaCare vouchers, decided to flip the switch on the Dominion Power power grid.
The lights sputtered on and all of Virginia was electrocuted, instantaneously.
"True story," Tom Cruise's Siri replied.
"You're not my child," screamed Tom Cruise into his iPhone 4S. "You don't own me, iceman!"
Back in Washington, the politicians gathered around and feasted on the corpses of a million disabled veterans. When asked how they would raise money for ObamaCare they just laughed and pointed to the deficit ticker, which was winding up to the number where it just flashes "OUT OF ORDER".
Robert Anton Wilson looked on from the heavens and smiled because he knew the fifth age was upon us and all the little hobbits lining up for ObamaCare and Dominion Power were sure to be in for a surprise when they found out Tom Cruise was actually the Emperor of China. Not to be outdone, Ann Curry slapped Adele across her filthy face and told her she didn't have any talent.
It was just at that moment that Napoleon came in riding a French one-legged prostitute by the name of "Chloe".
"Mon fromage," he muttered, exhasperated.
YOU'RE ALL SLAVES. THE END.