Joke Thread In Honor of Old 68

~ for laffs ;-> Originally started by Ole 63 - 'Hey, ladies. Get with the program'

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Raggedyann
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Post by Raggedyann » 03-16-2014 03:24 AM

Welcome to Colorado

For those who haven't heard, Colorado just enacted two new laws - legalizing gay marriage and recreational marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense!

Leviticus 20:13 says:

"If a man lies with another man he should be stoned.”

We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

Isn't the Bible an amazing book?
“For evil to flourish, it only requires good men to do nothing.” Simon Wiesenthal

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Post by voguy » 03-16-2014 08:19 AM

I'm sure there are some that interpreted the bible in this way. Funny how the Bible predicts things, just like it predicted Nixon's problems.
Neimeiah 8:1 (New International Version)
all the people assembled as one man in the square before the Water Gate.
"I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them." - Thomas Jefferson

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Post by Doka » 03-12-2015 02:43 PM

Wow! There is some funny stuff in this place. :)



The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his
deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3
years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the
mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about
90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own
room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen
Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to
sleep with my wife occasionally".

IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know"?
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Re: Joke Thread In Honor of Old 68

Post by Riddick » 07-30-2016 02:04 AM

Image
"Inside every progressive is a totalitarian screaming to get out." - David Horowitz

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Re: Joke Thread In Honor of Old 68

Post by Doka » 07-30-2016 09:29 AM

Riddick wrote:Image


That is so funny!
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Re: Joke Thread In Honor of Old 68

Post by Raggedyann » 10-01-2019 11:47 AM

Yep
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“For evil to flourish, it only requires good men to do nothing.” Simon Wiesenthal

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Mother-In-Law Humor

Post by Riddick » 06-19-2020 07:36 AM

"I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in."
Henny Youngman

"On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse." - Milton Berle

"Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport."
Henny Youngman

"I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'" - Joan Rivers

"I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law in eighteen months - I don't like to interrupt her." - Kevin Dodd

Secretary to W.C. Fields: "It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law."
W.C. Fields: "Yes, it is, very hard… it’s almost impossible."

"Adam was the luckiest man in the world. He had no mother-in-law." - Mark Twain

One cannibal says to the other: "I can't stand my mother-in-law." The other says: "Why don't you just eat the vegetables?"

How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb? Just one - She simply holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around her.

A constantly nagged and harried son-in-law decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a birthday present.
On her next birthday he didn’t give her a gift.
Upset, the mother-in-law asked the son-in-law why. The angry son-in-law responded, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

Two ladies came before King Solomon, fighting over a young man. “He’s my son-in law!” one said. “No he’s mine!” countered the other.
After thinking a bit the King finally decided on a ruling. “Bring me my sword and we will cut him in half, you will each get half.”
“No!” one lady screamed, “I would rather the other lady get the whole son-in-law.”
“Ah HAH!” said a smiling King Solomon, “I now know who is the mother-in-law. For only a real mother-in-law would stand quietly while her son-in-law gets cut in half.”
"Inside every progressive is a totalitarian screaming to get out." - David Horowitz

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Ghost Joke

Post by Riddick » 07-19-2020 08:11 PM

What did the ghost say when it woke up with a bad hangover?

“Man, I really need to lay off the boos.”
"Inside every progressive is a totalitarian screaming to get out." - David Horowitz

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Funny Friday

Post by Riddick » 07-31-2020 01:40 AM

I have an addiction to cheddar cheese. But it's only mild.

I was sitting in traffic the other day. Probably why I got run over.

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.

I wasn't going to visit my folks this December, but mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.

I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I went on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation. Never again.

Today I gave my dead batteries away. They were free of charge.

I just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

A communist joke isn't funny unless everyone gets it.

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

What did the French groundhog see when he woke up? --- His château.

What did the duck say to the waiter? --- "Put it on my bill."

What do you call a magical Labrador? --- A Labracadabrador!

What did one booger say to the other? --- "You think you're funny, but you're snot."
"Inside every progressive is a totalitarian screaming to get out." - David Horowitz

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Re: Joke Thread In Honor of Old 68

Post by Doka » 07-31-2020 11:52 AM

Thank's for the "Chuckles" , Riddick, much appreciated :D !
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The Widow & The Hired Hand

Post by Riddick » 08-14-2020 01:01 AM

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was very good-looking and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said,

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
"Inside every progressive is a totalitarian screaming to get out." - David Horowitz

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Cold Water Clean

Post by Riddick » 08-21-2020 01:19 AM

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said, 'Granddad, your dog won't let me get to my car'. Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted:

'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'
"Inside every progressive is a totalitarian screaming to get out." - David Horowitz

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The Slapping Lie Detector

Post by Riddick » 08-28-2020 01:21 PM

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son again.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching Stormy Daniels movies."

Dad says," What? At your age I didn't even know what dirty movies were."

The robot slaps the father!

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.
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Engineers & Managers

Post by Riddick » 09-04-2020 01:15 AM

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He spots a man down below and lowers the balloon to shout: “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below says: “You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” says the balloonist.

“I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”

The man below says “You must be a manager.”

“I am,” replies the balloonist, “How did you know?”

“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problems. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”
"Inside every progressive is a totalitarian screaming to get out." - David Horowitz

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The Jewish Elbow, The Italian Grandfather & The Irish Blonde…

Post by Riddick » 09-11-2020 12:41 AM

1. The Jewish Elbow

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push-button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left.. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ........

"What . . . .. .. You're coming empty-handed?"

-------------

2. Wise Italian Grandfather

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan'a you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'time's up' "?

-----

3. The Irish Blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,..... but all men...are men!
"Inside every progressive is a totalitarian screaming to get out." - David Horowitz

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