A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner
after 25 years in the parish. A leading local
politician and member of the congregation was
chosen to make the presentation and give a little
speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest
decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the
first confession I heard here. I thought I had been
assigned to a terrible place. The very first person
who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a
television set and, when questioned by the police, was
able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money
from his parents, embezzled from his employer,
had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal
drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But
as the days went on I knew that my people were not all
like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish
full of good and loving people.".....
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician
arrived full of apologies at being late. He
immediately began to make the presentation and gave
his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish
priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had
the honor of being the first one to go to him in
confession."
Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE.
Political Humor
Moderator: Super Moderators
DON'T EVER BE LATE.
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Hillary Says 8-Year-Old Bosnian Girl Was Actually Sniper
Bouquet of Flowers Hid Semiautomatic Weapon
Accused in recent days of embellishing her story of a brush with sniper fire in Bosnia, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton today said “don’t be fooled” by photos showing her being greeted at the airport by a pony-tailed 8-year-old Bosnian girl with a bouquet of flowers.
“That was no little girl,” Sen. Clinton told reporters in Gary, Indiana. “That was a covert ops midget sniper.”
The New York senator said that moments after the “so-called little girl” presented her with the flowers, she revealed what the bouquet had been hiding: “a tiny semi-automatic weapon.”
“Fortunately, I had the presence of mind to use some of the Tae Kwon Do techniques I had learned in preparation for the Northern Ireland peace talks,” she said.
Defending his wife against charges that she had yet again fabricated her exploits while First Lady, former President Bill Clinton told CNN’s John King that “Democratic voters have a clear choice this election: do they want a liar or a plagiarist?”
“Hillary tells some real whoppers, but at least they’re original,” he said.
In response to a question about whether he believes his wife’s account of the events in Bosnia, Mr. Clinton said, “All I have to say about that is Reverend Wright Reverend Wright Reverend Wright Reverend Wright Reverend Wright.”
©2004 The Borowitz Report
Bouquet of Flowers Hid Semiautomatic Weapon
Accused in recent days of embellishing her story of a brush with sniper fire in Bosnia, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton today said “don’t be fooled” by photos showing her being greeted at the airport by a pony-tailed 8-year-old Bosnian girl with a bouquet of flowers.
“That was no little girl,” Sen. Clinton told reporters in Gary, Indiana. “That was a covert ops midget sniper.”
The New York senator said that moments after the “so-called little girl” presented her with the flowers, she revealed what the bouquet had been hiding: “a tiny semi-automatic weapon.”
“Fortunately, I had the presence of mind to use some of the Tae Kwon Do techniques I had learned in preparation for the Northern Ireland peace talks,” she said.
Defending his wife against charges that she had yet again fabricated her exploits while First Lady, former President Bill Clinton told CNN’s John King that “Democratic voters have a clear choice this election: do they want a liar or a plagiarist?”
“Hillary tells some real whoppers, but at least they’re original,” he said.
In response to a question about whether he believes his wife’s account of the events in Bosnia, Mr. Clinton said, “All I have to say about that is Reverend Wright Reverend Wright Reverend Wright Reverend Wright Reverend Wright.”
©2004 The Borowitz Report
CHANGE
The buzzword of this election is CHANGE.
Candidates toss it around without saying what they want to change to.
Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant who
inspected his Marines and told the "Gunny" that they smelled bad. The lieutenant suggested that they change
their underwear.
The "Gunny" responded, "Aye,aye, sir. I'll see to it immediately." He went into the tent and said, "The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and he wants you to change your underwear.
Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowskie, Brown, you change with Schultz ...." "Change, now get on with it."
A candidate may promise change in Washington but the stink remains.
Candidates toss it around without saying what they want to change to.
Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant who
inspected his Marines and told the "Gunny" that they smelled bad. The lieutenant suggested that they change
their underwear.
The "Gunny" responded, "Aye,aye, sir. I'll see to it immediately." He went into the tent and said, "The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and he wants you to change your underwear.
Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowskie, Brown, you change with Schultz ...." "Change, now get on with it."
A candidate may promise change in Washington but the stink remains.
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EMAIL FROM A DANISH FRIEND
EMAIL FROM A DANISH FRIEND
"We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold
an election.
On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer,
and a lawyer
who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.
On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a
huge chest
who owns a beer distributorship.
Is there a contest here?"
"We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold
an election.
On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer,
and a lawyer
who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.
On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a
huge chest
who owns a beer distributorship.
Is there a contest here?"
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."
Still an Original Pirate since Aug 2000
Wanna ride the Zamboni?
Wanna ride the Zamboni?
Political Bumper Stickers for 2008
1. Bush: End of an Error
2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First
4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
5. Bush, Like a Rock - Only Dumber.
6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant
8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blow Jobs Anymore
11. America: One Nation, Under Surveillance
12. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
13. Who's God Do You Kill For?
14. Jail to the Chief
15. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq ?
16. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full of Crap
17. Bad President! No Banana.
18. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
19. We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
20. Is It Vietnam Yet?
21. Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
22. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Hand Basket?
23. You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
24. Dub ya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too
25. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
26. Pray For Impeachment
27. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
28. What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?
29. One Nation Under Clod
30. 2004: Embarrassed. 2005: Horrified. 2006: Terrified
31. Bush Never Exhaled
32. At Least Nixon Resigned
1. Bush: End of an Error
2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First
4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
5. Bush, Like a Rock - Only Dumber.
6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant
8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blow Jobs Anymore
11. America: One Nation, Under Surveillance
12. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
13. Who's God Do You Kill For?
14. Jail to the Chief
15. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq ?
16. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full of Crap
17. Bad President! No Banana.
18. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
19. We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
20. Is It Vietnam Yet?
21. Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
22. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Hand Basket?
23. You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
24. Dub ya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too
25. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
26. Pray For Impeachment
27. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
28. What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?
29. One Nation Under Clod
30. 2004: Embarrassed. 2005: Horrified. 2006: Terrified
31. Bush Never Exhaled
32. At Least Nixon Resigned
Still an Original Pirate since Aug 2000
Wanna ride the Zamboni?
Wanna ride the Zamboni?
President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Episcopal Church
outside Washington as part of his campaign to restore his pathetic
poll standings.
His image handler made a visit to the Bishop and said, 'We've been
getting a lot of bad publicity because of the president's position
on stem cell research, the Iraq war, hurricane Katrina, and the
Veterans Administration. We'll make a $100,000
contribution to your church if during your sermon you will say that
the President is a saint.'
The Bishop thought it over for a few moments and finally said, 'The
Church is desperate for funding - I'll do it.'
Bush showed up for the sermon, and the Bishop began: 'I'd like to
speak to you all this morning about our President who is a liar, a
cheat, and a low-intelligence numb -nuts who can't put a compound
sentence together.
He bugged out of combat service during the Vietnam War and went AWOL
to avoid a drug test, then had all reports on the sordid event
destroyed.
He is the spawn of a Nazi loving great grandfather who smuggled
anti-Americans into this country on his shipping line.
He took the tragedy of September 11 and used it to frighten and
manipulate the American people.
He lied about weapons of mass destruction and invaded Iraq for
oil and money,causing the deaths of tens of thousands and making the
United States the
most hated country on earth. It is a three-trillion dollar folly.
He appointed fund-raiser cronies to positions of power and
influence, leading to widespread death and destruction due to
government paralysis after Hurricane Katrina.
He awarded no-bid cost-plus contracts and tax cuts to his rich
friends so that we now have more poverty in this country and a
greater gap between rich and poor than we've had since the
Depression.
He has headed the most corrupt, bribe-inducing political party since
Teapot Dome.
The national surplus has turned into a staggering national debt of
7.6 trillion Dollars.
Oil rose from $18 to over a hundred and thirty per barrel, leading
to transportation costs which the people of America cannot afford,
with low minimum wages, part time jobs, no health insurance, and
outsourcing.
Vital research into global warming and stem cells is stifled because
he's afraid to lose votes from religious kooks.
He is the worst example of a true Christian I've ever known, but
compared to Dick Cheney... George W. Bush is a saint.
outside Washington as part of his campaign to restore his pathetic
poll standings.
His image handler made a visit to the Bishop and said, 'We've been
getting a lot of bad publicity because of the president's position
on stem cell research, the Iraq war, hurricane Katrina, and the
Veterans Administration. We'll make a $100,000
contribution to your church if during your sermon you will say that
the President is a saint.'
The Bishop thought it over for a few moments and finally said, 'The
Church is desperate for funding - I'll do it.'
Bush showed up for the sermon, and the Bishop began: 'I'd like to
speak to you all this morning about our President who is a liar, a
cheat, and a low-intelligence numb -nuts who can't put a compound
sentence together.
He bugged out of combat service during the Vietnam War and went AWOL
to avoid a drug test, then had all reports on the sordid event
destroyed.
He is the spawn of a Nazi loving great grandfather who smuggled
anti-Americans into this country on his shipping line.
He took the tragedy of September 11 and used it to frighten and
manipulate the American people.
He lied about weapons of mass destruction and invaded Iraq for
oil and money,causing the deaths of tens of thousands and making the
United States the
most hated country on earth. It is a three-trillion dollar folly.
He appointed fund-raiser cronies to positions of power and
influence, leading to widespread death and destruction due to
government paralysis after Hurricane Katrina.
He awarded no-bid cost-plus contracts and tax cuts to his rich
friends so that we now have more poverty in this country and a
greater gap between rich and poor than we've had since the
Depression.
He has headed the most corrupt, bribe-inducing political party since
Teapot Dome.
The national surplus has turned into a staggering national debt of
7.6 trillion Dollars.
Oil rose from $18 to over a hundred and thirty per barrel, leading
to transportation costs which the people of America cannot afford,
with low minimum wages, part time jobs, no health insurance, and
outsourcing.
Vital research into global warming and stem cells is stifled because
he's afraid to lose votes from religious kooks.
He is the worst example of a true Christian I've ever known, but
compared to Dick Cheney... George W. Bush is a saint.
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Bush, Cheney, and the Bicycle Repairman
Bush and Cheney were sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn’t that the President and Vice-President sitting over there?" The bartender looks over and confirms, "Yep, that’s them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?" Bush checks to make sure no one is listening in, and whispers, "We’re planning one last hurrah before we leave office."
And the guy says, "Really? What’s going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we’re going to help liberate 14 million Iranians and one bicycle repairman from the need to breathe on a daily basis"
The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman? Why do in the bicycle repairman??"
And Bush turns to Cheney, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass? I told you no one would worry about the 14 million Iranians!"
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?" Bush checks to make sure no one is listening in, and whispers, "We’re planning one last hurrah before we leave office."
And the guy says, "Really? What’s going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we’re going to help liberate 14 million Iranians and one bicycle repairman from the need to breathe on a daily basis"
The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman? Why do in the bicycle repairman??"
And Bush turns to Cheney, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass? I told you no one would worry about the 14 million Iranians!"
A mind should not be so open that the brains fall out; however, it should not be so closed that whatever gray matter which does reside may not be reached. ART BELL
Everything Woke turns to
-Donald Trump 
Everything Woke turns to
-
DeathValleyScotty
- Pirate
- Posts: 238
- Joined: 03-02-2003 03:00 AM
Bush the Post Turtle
Bush the Post Turtle
A 70-year-old Texas Rancher got his hand caught in a gate while working cattle. He wrapped the hand in his bandana and drove his pickup to the doctor. While suturing the laceration, the doctor asked the old man about George W. Bush being in the White House.
The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'Post Turtle.'"
Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked what a Post Turtle was.
The old man looked at him and drawled, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a Post Turtle."
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain:
"You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, you just wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there in the first place and you just want to help the poor bastard get down."
A 70-year-old Texas Rancher got his hand caught in a gate while working cattle. He wrapped the hand in his bandana and drove his pickup to the doctor. While suturing the laceration, the doctor asked the old man about George W. Bush being in the White House.
The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'Post Turtle.'"
Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked what a Post Turtle was.
The old man looked at him and drawled, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a Post Turtle."
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain:
"You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, you just wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there in the first place and you just want to help the poor bastard get down."
None of us is as smart as ALL of us...