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Justen Tyme
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A MAJOR case of "Inaugural Inflammation"?

Post by Justen Tyme » 01-20-2008 09:15 PM

Shortages | Panic | Confusion | RIOTING!

Do you, like many Americans, have a sense of dread
over what could easily flare up just a year from now?

If not, why suffer simply because of lack of foresight -
NOW is when you can still DO something about it !
As supplies will be short, stock up today without delay

If you're having any doubts just look at it this way...
as the Boy Scouts say, it never hurts to BE PREPARED-


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Post by SETIsLady » 01-21-2008 06:37 PM

Uncle Jay Explains Congress

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QakVlC3X_s

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Post by Shirleypal » 01-21-2008 07:04 PM

I think I have the wrong job.:D

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Post by DesertSage » 01-21-2008 07:45 PM

whskyfan wrote: . . . Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately; illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida .

Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win situation.

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.

+ Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.

+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
I LOVE this idea!!! :D
[img][img]http://www.websmileys.com/sm/crazy/071.gif[/img][/IMG]
Last edited by DesertSage on 01-21-2008 07:48 PM, edited 1 time in total.
"Wanting everything in life to be perfect before you take action is like wanting to reach a destination without travel."

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Justen Tyme
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Glad Handing Gladiators Go For the Gold

Post by Justen Tyme » 01-23-2008 02:34 PM

ELECT-A-MANIA is RUNNING WILD --
Whatcha gonna DO
BROTHER DUDE !?
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LINK

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Post by Shirleypal » 01-23-2008 05:22 PM

The pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of
Alaska for some sightseeing. he was cruising along the campground in
the pope mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of
the woods.

A helpless democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "save the whales"
hat, and a "to hell with bush" t-shirt, was screaming while
struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself
from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came
racing up.

One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two
reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the
bear's grasp.

Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and
two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other
tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I
give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard
there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic
Environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this
is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was
that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with
Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he
sure doesn't know anything about Grizzly bear hunting! By the way, is
the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get
another one?

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Post by whskyfan » 01-24-2008 12:47 AM

NIGHTMARE

In the nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised!

Quickly I jumped up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver license photo and it was that same color. Black.

I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair. But it's a wheelchair!!

That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled!!!

I said to myself, aloud 'This is impossible. It's impossible that I should be black and Jewish and disabled.'

'It's the pure and holy truth', whispers someone from behind me

I turn around, and it's my Boyfriend.

Just what I needed!!!

I am a homosexual, and on top of that with a Mexican boyfriend.

Oh, my God..... Black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive!!!

Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and OH, noooooo...I'm Bald!!!

The telephone rings.It's my brother.

He is saying, 'Since mom and dad died the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job you worthless piece of crap... Any job.'

Mom?... Dad?... Nooooooooo... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!

I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV-positive, bald, and an orphan.

But he doesn't get it.Frustrated, I hang up.

It's then I realize I only have one hand!!!

With tears in my eyes I go to the window to look out. I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere.

Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker.... Pacemaker?

Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV- positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.

At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, 'Sweetiepie, my love, my little black heartthrob, have you decided who are you going to vote for in the Primary? OBAMA, HILLARY OR THE BRECK BOY ??????

Say it isn't so!!! I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug addicted, Jewish queer on a Pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but please, oh dear God, please don't tell me I'm a DEMOCRAT....
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Justen Tyme
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"Political Humor, With Charity for None"

Post by Justen Tyme » 01-24-2008 09:40 PM

Another look at the FORGOTTON SATIRIST

'Obama is a black guy made in the lab by white guys'
Image
IS THERE ANYONE HE HASN'T OFFENDED? Long before Jon Stewart & The Daily Show came on the scene, the biting razor-sharp ANTI-shtick of the one and only MORT SAHL scathingly satirized current events & major public figures.

From the beginning Mort's contention has been that a political comic's duty is to call candidates on their foibles, regardless of the ideology. Taking delight in the deflation of detached dignitaires & their dearly-held dogma, setting his sights on any & all, Sahl manages to maintain a naturally causally conversational demenor in his free-flowing vents yet still shows no mercy in his skewering attacks on stupidity, grandiosity and pomposity.

Getting audiences to think with his dead-on impaling hits on contemporary concerns & controversial issues, Sahl's trailblazing standup comedy lead the way from the typical lame jabs & tame jokes of the time to the critically acerbic wit of comedians like Lenny Bruce, Woody Allen, George Carlin & Richard Pryor.

At age 80, and now more than half a century after "The Angry Young Man" took to the national stage, Saul's relevantly reflective & irreverent satirical style remains an inspiration to humorists & social critics across America. As journalist John Hart put it, "Mort Sahl doesn't tell jokes so much as he tells the truth."

Quips & Quotes from a Comedic Elder Statesman :

Image

(on THE GOVERNMENT): "(Will Rogers) used to come out with a newspaper & pretend he was a yokel criticizing the intellectuals who ran the government. I come out with a newspaper and pretend I'm an intellectual making fun of the yokels running the government."

(on GOVERNMENT & OWNERSHIP): In Saudi Arabia, ''everything is owned by one family.'' In El Salvador, ''everything is owned by 14 families'' and the country ''is thus classified as a democracy.''

(on POLITICAL CONSISTENCY): "It became apparent to me that if you maintain a consistent political position, you'll eventually be tried for treason"

(on PRIVATE PROPERTY RIGHTS): "Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen."

(on the DEATH PENALTY): ''I'm for capital punishment. You've got to execute people - how else are they going to learn?''

(on GOVERNMENT & GOLF): 'If you are in the Eisenhower Administration, you have a lot of problems, like whether or not to use an overlapping grip.''

(on LBJ): ''Lyndon Johnson is the first President to put the country in his wife's name.''

(on VIETNAM): "You know why the liberals say we should get out of Vietnam, why it's 'a senseless war'? Because we're losing.''

(on the RAMIFICATIONS OF THE 1960's): "If anybody comes up to you and says 'My kid is a conservative, why is that?', you say, 'Remember in the 60's when we told you if you kept using drugs, your kids would be mutants?'"

(on NIXON): "Nixon's the kind of guy that if you were drowning fifty feet off shore, he'd throw you a thirty foot rope. Then Kissinger would go on TV the next night and say that the President had met you more than half-way."

(on PRESIDENTIAL VERACITY): "Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference."

(on the 1980 ELECTION): "Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed, he would have lost."

(on the 1996 ELECTION*): "There were four million people in the American Colonies and we had Jefferson and Franklin. Now we have over 200 million and the two top guys are Clinton and Dole. What can you draw from this? Darwin was wrong!"

(running into Michael Caine at the actor's London restaurant, where Caine said "Mort Saul! What are you doing here?"): "We're back! The experiment failed."

(on ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER): "A left-wing fascist posing as a right wing fascist."

(characterizing Bush 43's public policy): "No Billionaire Left Behind"

(on GEORGE W. BUSH): "He's the face on the can. But who canned that soup?"

(Sahl's GWB anecdote): "You know, I know the president, and he told me that he doesn't drink. And he said, 'I don't need it, because I've been born again.' And what occurred to me in the moment was: IF you had the rare opportunity to be born again, why would you come back as George Bush?"

(on SEAN HANNITY): "Isn't it possible for them to get a real fascist instead of this guy who plays one on TV?"

(on defining CONSERVATIVES): "A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now."

(*on the then-wider 2008 GOP PRESIDENTIAL FIELD): "Did you see the Republican debate hosted by Chris Matthews? He asked them if they believed in evolution, and 10 of them said no. MY question is, when you look at those 10 people, do you believe in evolution?"

(on defining LIBERALS): ''A liberal is somebody who will do the right thing for the wrong reasons so he can feel good for eight minutes.''

(on HILLARY): "If she's the next president of the United States, that'll be the last president of the United States....She's unqualified. She's riding on her husband, and I'm not sure he was qualified....She's a good example of what can happen to a woman when nobody loves her."

(on PAUL WELLSTONE'S DEATH): "Maybe he died legitimately; maybe he didn't. It's funny, but the guys who liked the war are still around."

(on the DEMOCRATS IN GENERAL): "The party has been co-opted. When the bank keeps getting robbed, the police start looking for an inside job."

(on LEADERSHIP IN GENERAL): "There aren't any revolutionaries anymore because political leaders are chosen by corporations. How much money did Mahatma Gandhi or Che Guevara raise? How much did Kerry and Bush raise?"

(on THE YOUNGER GENERATION): "There has definitely been an attempt to 'corporatize' young people, make them more materialistic. But if they didn't have a dream, it wouldn't have been necessary to execute Howard Dean in public, because their dreams were in his briefcase."

(on RULE OF LAW): "They used to say that no one is above the law. I know a lot of people above the law -- and almost everybody is above a lawyer. But I believe no one is above humor. In that sense, my work is never done."

(on GOD): "God is watching us. If we support someone we don't believe in and say he's electable, then God will make sure he's not elected and hope we do better the next time."

(on OPTIMISTIC ELECTION PREDICTIONS): "The two candidates are in a row boat. It springs a leak, but there's only one life jacket. Who does God save? Answer: He lets them both drown, choosing to save the country instead."

(on GENERAL WISDOM/POPULAR OPINION): "The majority is always wrong."

(on PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION ADVICE): " Vote NO "

(on his MOTTO): "If you can't join them, beat them."

(when asked if he's a Democrat or a Republican): "Neither, I'm a Radical"

(on his OCCUPATION): "If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job."

http://www.mortsahl.com/

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Post by whskyfan » 01-29-2008 09:36 PM

On Russian President Vladimir Putin being chosen as Time magazine's
Person of the Year: Al Gore finished in second. When asked what it
was like to lose to a dictator of a floundering country who had no
regard for civil rights, Gore said, "Been there, done that." (Jim
Barach)
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Post by OMG » 01-31-2008 03:24 AM

Funny stuff whsky and Justen :cool:

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Post by whskyfan » 02-11-2008 10:10 PM

I was traveling between Phoenix and Ajo the other day south of Gila
Bend when a tire blew out.

Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat.

My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to
the next town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the
window, "Need a lift?"

"Yes, I sure do," I replied.

"You a Republican or Democrat," asked the old man.

"Democrat," I replied.

"Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.

Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same
question.

Again, I gave the same answer, "Democrat."

The driver gave me the finger and drove off.

I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy,
since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to
be few Democrats.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.

She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat.

"Republican!", I shouted.

"Hop in!", replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous
woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair,
perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and
higher up her thighs.

Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car."

She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped,
I jumped out.

"What's the matter?", she asked.

"I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Republican
for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody."
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Post by whskyfan » 02-27-2008 12:38 AM

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny
trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop
right on his twitchy little nose.

"Oh please excuse me," said the bunny. "I didn't mean
to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To
be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you,
but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the
way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm
blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could
examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said,
"Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long
silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear
twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!"

The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the
way, what kind of animal are you?"

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the
b bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was
finished, the snake asked, "Well, what kind of an
animal am I?"

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied,
"You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls...You
must be a POLITICIAN.
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Clinton, Obama Spar over Dental Plans

Post by SETIsLady » 02-29-2008 01:39 PM

Nomination Fight Shifts to Voters’ Mouths

In an unprecedented bid to garner support before the crucial Texas and Ohio primaries, Democratic presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama today both unveiled universal dental plans.

With both candidates in agreement on a broad range of issues, the two rivals appear to be hoping that late-deciding voters will support the candidate who offers the best dental.

Speaking to 400 supporters in a high school cafeteria in Cleveland, Ohio today, Sen. Clinton made an emotional appeal to voters, saying that she has been “working to keep Americans’ teeth healthy and shiny” for the past 35 years.

“When I was campaigning in Cincinnati yesterday, I met a mother of two who had a horrible overbite,” she said. “I told her, I will be ready to get braces on those choppers on Day One.”

Sen. Clinton was harshly critical of Sen. Obama’s dental plan, which she said “would leave 15 million people without bridgework or root canals.”

For his part, Sen. Obama blasted Sen. Clinton’s proposal at a stadium in Beaumont, Texas, where he spoke to a capacity crowd of over 90,000 people.

“Sen. Clinton’s plan only offers five dollars for every tooth extracted,” he said. “The tooth fairy gives you more than that.”

But in a possible preview of the fall general election campaign, Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz) blasted both Democratic rivals in a speech at an El Paso retirement home: “My friends, neither of their plans says anything about dentures.”

Elsewhere, President Bush expressed support for Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf, telling reporters, “Just because somebody didn’t get the most votes doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be president.”

Source: The Borowitz Report

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Post by SETIsLady » 03-19-2008 12:52 PM

McCain Concludes Fact-hiding Mission to Iraq
Mac: ‘Omission Accomplished’

Presumptive G.O.P. nominee John McCain wrapped up his fact-hiding mission to Iraq today, declaring the trip an unqualified success.

“My friends, I came to Iraq to hide the facts about the way the war is going, and in that I have succeeded,” Sen. McCain told reporters. “Omission accomplished.”

Sen. McCain praised his campaign staff for steering clear of visual evidence of recent violence in Baghdad: “Thanks to the hard work of my advance team, the surge has the appearance of working.”

The Arizona senator said that his trip to Iraq was successful in part because he was able to obscure the actual facts with new facts of his own creation.

“It’s a well known fact that Iran is training al-Qaeda,” Sen. McCain said. “And if it wasn’t a well-known fact before, it is now.”

In a speech commemorating the fifth anniversary of the invasion of Iraq, President Bush echoed Sen. McCain’s fact-hiding theme.

“As far as the war is concerned, the facts speak for themselves,” Mr. Bush said. “So I won’t mention any of them.”

Mr. Bush acknowledged that the war still presented certain challenges, but concluded on an upbeat note: “Iraq today is in better shape than Bear Stearns.”



©2004 The Borowitz Report

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George In the Electoral Jungle

Post by Riddick » 03-22-2008 09:17 PM

After years of peace & tranquility, the jungle teeters on the brink of civilization when Seymour Noodnik threatens to displace our hero George as King...! Will the village electorate fall for Noodnik's evil scheme? And what ABOUT the Swing Vote?
Image
For the answers, watch the drama unfold
Hi-Speed | Dial-up

...and watch out for that TREE! Hi-Speed | Dial-up
Last edited by Riddick on 03-22-2008 09:21 PM, edited 1 time in total.

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