Joke Thread In Honor of Old 68
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Shirleypal
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Shirleypal
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10 ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM CLASSIFIED SECTIONS OF VARIOUS CITY NEWSPAPERS
1) Illiterate? Write today for free help.
2) Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
3) Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
4) Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
5) Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
6) Stock up and save. Limit: one.
7) Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
9) Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
10) Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
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1) Illiterate? Write today for free help.
2) Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
3) Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
4) Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
5) Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
6) Stock up and save. Limit: one.
7) Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. 9) Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
10) Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
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Shirleypal
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Finding Jesus
An old drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks."Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."
The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
An old drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks."Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."
The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
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Shirleypal
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JOB HISTORY
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned - couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
Then I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
So I retired and found I am perfect for the job.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned - couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
Then I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
So I retired and found I am perfect for the job.
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Shirleypal
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You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's
roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a
relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her
more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer
than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you
must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.
So he sat down and wrote:
______________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________
Dear Mom,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not
saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner.
Love, Brian
______________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
______________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you
"do not" sleep with Jennifer.
But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would
have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
______________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________
LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's
roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a
relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her
more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer
than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you
must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.
So he sat down and wrote:
______________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________
Dear Mom,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not
saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner.
Love, Brian
______________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
______________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you
"do not" sleep with Jennifer.
But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would
have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
______________________________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________
LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
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Shirleypal
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HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U. C. L. A.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U. C. L. A.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
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Shirleypal
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- Joined: 03-06-2003 03:00 AM
_Bob and the Blonde_
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar at 9:58 PM. He
sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a
story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to
jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the
ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to
Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the
5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."
The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it
again."
Bob took the money......
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar at 9:58 PM. He
sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a
story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to
jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the
ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to
Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the
5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."
The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it
again."
Bob took the money......
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Shirleypal
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A husband, who is a doctor, and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." He says, "In bed this early, doing what?" And she replies, "Getting a second opinion!"
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Shirleypal
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A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "mother of six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, father of four."
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Shirleypal
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Cursing at Work
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
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Shirleypal
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I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a
couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this
money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said.
"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty! salon instead of food?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. " I
haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my
husband and me tonight."
The homeless Woman was shocked. "Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a
couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this
money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said.
"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty! salon instead of food?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. " I
haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my
husband and me tonight."
The homeless Woman was shocked. "Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."
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Shirleypal
- Pirate
- Posts: 45448
- Joined: 03-06-2003 03:00 AM
RODNEY DANGERFIELD's TOP TEN ONE-LINERs
1. I was so poor growing up if I wasn't a boy I'd have had nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.
3. Its been a rough day. I got up this morning put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
4. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
5. I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness after I was born.
6. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
7. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
8. I'm so ugly I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
9. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
10. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.
1. I was so poor growing up if I wasn't a boy I'd have had nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.
3. Its been a rough day. I got up this morning put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
4. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
5. I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness after I was born.
6. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
7. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
8. I'm so ugly I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
9. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
10. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.
-
Shirleypal
- Pirate
- Posts: 45448
- Joined: 03-06-2003 03:00 AM
THE CONSIDERATE THIEF
After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.
There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's Garth Brooks' concert." Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed.
Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"
After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.
There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's Garth Brooks' concert." Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed.
Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"