Joke Thread In Honor of Old 68

~ for laffs ;-> Originally started by Ole 63 - 'Hey, ladies. Get with the program'

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Shirleypal
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Post by Shirleypal » 12-15-2007 06:33 PM

Four Friends

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics
and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder
and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave
his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

All three of his friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

(Okay, maybe this was an oldie, but I hope you still got a chuckle reading it).

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Husband & Wife

Post by Riddick » 12-28-2007 01:59 PM

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would only spend $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

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Dr Powerfun
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The Tater Garden

Post by Dr Powerfun » 12-31-2007 02:58 PM

An old man lived alone in the Idaho countryside. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work. His only son, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bud,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad


A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES!
Love,
Bud


At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Bud

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Dr Powerfun
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Devil in Disguise?

Post by Dr Powerfun » 01-11-2008 10:07 PM

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.

One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"

The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."

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Post by Shirleypal » 01-25-2008 04:10 PM

One for the girls

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, Please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, Please no gray
And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman.....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

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Post by DesertSage » 01-25-2008 04:17 PM

ehhehhehhhehh. Good one SP.:D
"Wanting everything in life to be perfect before you take action is like wanting to reach a destination without travel."

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Post by DesertSage » 01-25-2008 04:34 PM

Shirleypal wrote: Subject: Why did the chicken cross the road?



Why did the chicken cross the road?

____________________________________________________
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.
_____ ______ _________________________________________
OPRAH:
Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
____________________________________________________
GEORGE W BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
____________________________________________________
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
____________________________________________________
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
____________________________________________________
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
___________________________________________________
NANCY GRACE :
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
____________________________________________________
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
____________________________________________________
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
____________________________________________________
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
_____________________ ______ _________________________
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
____________________________________________________
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain side." That's why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
____________________________________________________
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
____________________________________________________
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
____________________________________________________
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
____________________________________________________
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
____________________________________________________
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is a integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C .. ... reboot.
____________________________________________________
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
____________________________________________________
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
____________________________________________________
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
____________________________________________________
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
____________________________________________________
DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?
_____________________________________________
AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

HILARY CLINTON:

We embrace all chickens, and we will help all chickens, whether they want to or not, to cross the road. I need your help, because it takes a village to get small chicks to cross the road. (from Andrea)=
ROTFLMAO:D :D

My favorite is "ERNEST HEMINGWAY:To die in the rain. Alone." Damn, that's funny.:) :)
"Wanting everything in life to be perfect before you take action is like wanting to reach a destination without travel."

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DesertSage
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Post by DesertSage » 01-25-2008 04:36 PM

cns wrote: Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest
2007 Results

Gerald began--but was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him ten percent of his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a ten-mile radius of the eruption, not that it mattered much because for them "permanently" meant the next ten minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash--to pee.
For the rest:
http://www.sjsu.edu/depts/english/2007.htm
ehhehhhhe. Loved this too. Thanks for sharing.
"Wanting everything in life to be perfect before you take action is like wanting to reach a destination without travel."

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Post by Shirleypal » 02-01-2008 03:08 PM

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice" he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh yes" she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?" I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter"

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Post by Cherry Kelly » 02-01-2008 04:03 PM

Why do women like Chinese food?

-

-

-=

Because Won Ton spelled backwards is Not Now.

Shirleypal
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Post by Shirleypal » 02-01-2008 04:07 PM

CK......:D

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Post by Shirleypal » 02-11-2008 10:52 PM

..

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whskyfan
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Post by whskyfan » 03-03-2008 09:15 PM

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe,
look towards sky; what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, Astronomically
speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it
appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo sh*t . Someone stole tent."
The world will change when you are ready to pronounce this oath:
I swear by my Life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man,
nor ask another man to live for the sake of mine.

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Post by Shirleypal » 03-08-2008 11:35 AM

Have you ever wondered where the phrase, "You Gotta Be ****tin' Me," came from?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side , wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead."

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort."

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"

Washington replied, "Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters."

And the Madam said, "You gotta be ****tin' me."

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whskyfan
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Post by whskyfan » 03-08-2008 05:18 PM

Image

Image
The world will change when you are ready to pronounce this oath:
I swear by my Life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man,
nor ask another man to live for the sake of mine.

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