Joke Thread In Honor of Old 68

~ for laffs ;-> Originally started by Ole 63 - 'Hey, ladies. Get with the program'

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megman
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Post by megman » 12-25-2008 12:26 AM

A Canadian In An American Brothel

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist, visits the red light district of Oklahoma City & enters a large brothel. It's only his second time in Oklahoma.

The Madam asks him to be seated & sends over a young lady to entertain the prospective client. They sit & talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she gasps and runs away!

Seeing this, the Madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit & talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit,drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He again whispers in her ear, and she screams "No!" and walks quickly away!

The Madam decides that only the most experienced lady, Lola, would do!

Lola looks a bit tired, but there is nothing she hasn't done already and absolutely nothing would surprise her. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams "No!" louder than the previous two, smacks him as hard as she can, and runs away!

Madam is by now, absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She asks, "What did you want to do, to make them run away like that?"

Bob said: "I just asked if I can pay in Canadian Dollars."
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Post by megman » 12-29-2008 08:15 PM

Moose Hunting Print E-mail

Two guys from Prince George would go moose hunting every year without success. Year after year, they hunted and hunted, but always came home without a moose.


Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They rented a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide inside the costume, lure in a bull moose, then come out of the costume, surprising the moose before shooting it.

So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, (in their costume), and gave the moose love call. Before long their call was answered by a large bull moose roaming around the edge of the forest. They called again, and the moose answered closer to them. They called again, and the moose answered, then came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. As the moose's pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said, "OK, let's get out and get him".

After a moment the guy in the back shouts: "THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you better brace yourself!"
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Post by Shirleypal » 01-15-2009 08:19 PM

11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all,
So they decided that one had to leave,
Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person,
Until the woman gave a very touching speech.


She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,
because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything
for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was
used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech,
All the men started clapping . . . . . . .



:D :D :D

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Post by racehorse » 01-15-2009 08:22 PM

Shirleypal wrote: 11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all,
So they decided that one had to leave,
Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person,
Until the woman gave a very touching speech.


She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,
because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything
for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was
used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech,
All the men started clapping . . . . . . .



:D :D :D



:D :D :D
racehorse
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Post by Shirleypal » 02-06-2009 09:34 PM

I know everyone reading this will enjoy it no matter which sex you are.

This morning on the way to work, I looked over to my left and there was a


Woman

In a brand
new
Cadillac


Doing 75
mph


With
her
Face up right next to
her
rear view
mirror

Putting on
her eyeliner.

I looked
away

for a couple
seconds!


And when I looked back she
was

h alfway over
in my lane,


s till working
on that makeup.


As a
man,

I don't scare
easily.


But she
scar ed me so
much that

I
dropped


My electric
shaver ,


w hich
knocked

The
donut

Out of my other
hand.

In
all


t he confusion
of trying


t o straighten
out the car


using my knees
against



the steering
wheel,


it
knocked

my
cell phone


away from my
ear,


which
fell


into the
coffee

between my
legs,


splashed,


and
burned


Big Jim and
the Twins,


ruined the
phone,

soaked my
trousers,


and disconnected
an
important
call.


Damn women
drivers!!















=

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Post by Shirleypal » 03-06-2009 11:38 AM

Psychiatrist vs Bartender


Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night so
I went to a shrink and told him:

''I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under
it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.''

''Just put yourself in my hands for one year,'' said the shrink. ''Come
talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those
fears...''

''How much do you charge?'' ''Eighty dollars per visit,'' replied the
doctor. ''I'll sleep on it,'' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. ''Why didn't you ever
come to see me about those fears you were having?'' he asked.

''Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot
of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all
that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!''

''Is that so!'' With a bit of an attitude he said, ''and how, may I ask,
did a bartender cure you?''

''He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!''

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Post by DeathValleyScotty » 05-15-2009 11:43 PM

Thoughtful Recollections

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he asks solemnly. The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is. 'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?' 'I remember that, too' she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says....

'I would have gotten out today.'
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Post by Shirleypal » 06-07-2009 11:51 AM

Senior Fun

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

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Post by Shirleypal » 06-19-2009 11:18 AM

Never Argue with a Woman


One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.


Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book.

The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'


'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.


'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left ..

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Post by Live365 » 06-19-2009 03:33 PM

I always get a kick out the "this really happened" stories from employers seeking to hire people.

There was the candidate who got a cell-phone call in the middle of the interview, then asked the interviewer to please leave the room so she could have some privacy.

The candidate who said he was impressed by the benefits package, especially because he was going to be needing a lot of time off in the upcoming year.

The candidate who said she was looking for a new position because she couldn't deal with people anymore.

The candidate who was applying for an entry-level position in a particular field, but felt it was only fair they match the salary he'd pulled off Google for professionals in that field.

How do I say it politely that all these examples came from candidates under the age of 25!
Did you ever stop to think, and then forget to start again?

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Post by DeathValleyScotty » 06-27-2009 11:38 PM

As I checked in to my hotel, I said to the attendant at the front desk, "I hope the pornography channel in my room is disabled."

She looked at me kinda funny and said,"NO, they're not disabled. They're normal people .... you sick b@stard."
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Post by megman » 07-17-2009 01:01 AM

Chocolate chip cookies

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand, shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

“Stay out of those,” she said, “they’re for the funeral.
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Post by Shirleypal » 08-02-2009 10:19 AM

Ultimate Female Joke

A woman is sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man enters. He is so striking that this woman can not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man notices her overly attentive stare and walks directly toward her.

Before she can offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leans over and whispers to her, "For $20.00, I'll do anything - absolutely anything that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, with just one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asks what the condition is.

The man replies, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.

The woman considers his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removes a $20 bill from her purse, which she presses into the man's hand along with her address.

She looks deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully says ...








"Clean my house!"

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Post by DeathValleyScotty » 08-23-2009 02:09 AM

Air Traffic Control moments

Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Braveheart and his magnificent crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."

=========================

ARN851: "Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15."
Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06."

=========================

(busy) Moncton Center: "Speedbird 169 cleared direct Chibougamau"
BAW169: "I'm sorry, sir, can you repeat that?"
CZQM: "Speedbird 169 cleared direct Yankee Mike Tango"
BAW169: "Direct Yankee Mike Tango for Speedbird 169. What was that name again?"
CZQM: "It's called Chibougamau"
BAW169: "Would you say again, please?"
CZQM: "Chibougamau. I say again, Chibougamau!"
BAW169: "Oh, how quaint. What does it mean?"
CZQM: "It's eskimo for f--- off!"

=========================

Controller: "USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.60.
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!"
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!"
Pilot: "Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!"

=========================

Tower: "Mission 123, do you have problems?"
Pilot: "I think, I have lost my compass."
Tower: "Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!"

=========================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

=========================

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

=========================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English.
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

=========================

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
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Post by megman » 07-28-2010 11:25 PM

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said, 'Fuuuuuuck, dude...
How much water did you drink!?
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