A History of Thanksgiving
Posted: 11-22-2007 11:17 AM
A History of Thanksgiving
1492 - Christopher Columbus discovers America, unless you
count the native peoples already living there. Columbus doesn't.
Columbus and crew celebrate by holding a dinner, giving thanks for
their
safe arrival. Embarrassment ensues when every Indian brings maize, and
nobody brings pumpkin pie.
1620 - Pilgrim men invent sport of football to avoid
helping clean up after Thanksgiving dinner.
1671 - First embarrassing drunken relatives at Thanksgiving dinner, as
Captain John Smith's parents tell Pocahontas the "hilarious" old "I
got
lost in the maize" joke for the hundredth time.
1701 - At a historic Thanksgiving dinner, Dutch settlers
unveil historic "Indians Give Us All Of Their Land Treaty."
Due to an unfortunate oversight, the Indians are left off
of the invite list, and the treaty is signed without them.
1776 - Excited that his British in-laws finally agreed to
meet him for Thanksgiving dinner, silversmith Paul Revere
rides through Boston announcing the news. Unfortunately,
many colonists misinterpret his cry "the British are
coming!" as a warning, leading to the Revolutionary War.
1812 - At an international Thanksgiving dinner, King George
of England, still hurting from losing the Revolutionary War,
challenges
United States President James Madison to "best 2 out of 3."
1860 - At a Senate Thanksgiving dinner, the seven-year-old
son of Alabama's Senator Richard Applebee insults the
Senators from Massachusetts, New York, and Pennsylvania, sparking the
Civil War. The tradition of the "children's table" is instituted in
1861.
1903 - Canada steals idea of Thanksgiving holiday, placing
it in October, so they can say it was their idea first.
1928 - To commemorate "our nation's greatest era of
prosperity that will last forever and ever," President
Herbert Hoover dumps ceremonial ten thousand turkeys into
the Potomac River.
1929 - Following the Great Stock Market Crash, thousands of
men go Turkey Diving in the Potomac River.
1957 - Declaring her spicy stuffing "a communist threat to undermine
my
health via heartburn," Senator Joe McCarthy has his wife placed under
arrest as a Soviet saboteur.
1969 - The world's largest Eat-In event goes sour. Thousands
of hippies start having bad trips when bad "brown gravy"
gets passed around.
1991 - When Dan Quayle takes ill on Thanksgiving; a turkey
is sworn as Vice President for three days. No change is noticed.
1997 - Strong natural tranquilizer tryptophane is discovered
in turkey. A Colombian cartel immediately starts selling
"pure" turkey on the streets for $500 an ounce. Turkey
farmers get involved in drive-by shootings, and the U.S. government
declares a national fowl emergency.
2002 - America is on a terrorist alert. It is now against the law to
stuff a turkey since anyone is suspicious of hiding explosives. George
W. signs this law into Congress, during a patriotic speech he defends
this decision claiming "the evil doers are just looking for any
opportunity to show up at your dinner table." This Thanksgiving take a
real good look at your relatives...and report any suspicious behavior
to
the CIA, FBI or your local police...who cares if it's grandma...it's
your duty as an American...
1492 - Christopher Columbus discovers America, unless you
count the native peoples already living there. Columbus doesn't.
Columbus and crew celebrate by holding a dinner, giving thanks for
their
safe arrival. Embarrassment ensues when every Indian brings maize, and
nobody brings pumpkin pie.
1620 - Pilgrim men invent sport of football to avoid
helping clean up after Thanksgiving dinner.
1671 - First embarrassing drunken relatives at Thanksgiving dinner, as
Captain John Smith's parents tell Pocahontas the "hilarious" old "I
got
lost in the maize" joke for the hundredth time.
1701 - At a historic Thanksgiving dinner, Dutch settlers
unveil historic "Indians Give Us All Of Their Land Treaty."
Due to an unfortunate oversight, the Indians are left off
of the invite list, and the treaty is signed without them.
1776 - Excited that his British in-laws finally agreed to
meet him for Thanksgiving dinner, silversmith Paul Revere
rides through Boston announcing the news. Unfortunately,
many colonists misinterpret his cry "the British are
coming!" as a warning, leading to the Revolutionary War.
1812 - At an international Thanksgiving dinner, King George
of England, still hurting from losing the Revolutionary War,
challenges
United States President James Madison to "best 2 out of 3."
1860 - At a Senate Thanksgiving dinner, the seven-year-old
son of Alabama's Senator Richard Applebee insults the
Senators from Massachusetts, New York, and Pennsylvania, sparking the
Civil War. The tradition of the "children's table" is instituted in
1861.
1903 - Canada steals idea of Thanksgiving holiday, placing
it in October, so they can say it was their idea first.
1928 - To commemorate "our nation's greatest era of
prosperity that will last forever and ever," President
Herbert Hoover dumps ceremonial ten thousand turkeys into
the Potomac River.
1929 - Following the Great Stock Market Crash, thousands of
men go Turkey Diving in the Potomac River.
1957 - Declaring her spicy stuffing "a communist threat to undermine
my
health via heartburn," Senator Joe McCarthy has his wife placed under
arrest as a Soviet saboteur.
1969 - The world's largest Eat-In event goes sour. Thousands
of hippies start having bad trips when bad "brown gravy"
gets passed around.
1991 - When Dan Quayle takes ill on Thanksgiving; a turkey
is sworn as Vice President for three days. No change is noticed.
1997 - Strong natural tranquilizer tryptophane is discovered
in turkey. A Colombian cartel immediately starts selling
"pure" turkey on the streets for $500 an ounce. Turkey
farmers get involved in drive-by shootings, and the U.S. government
declares a national fowl emergency.
2002 - America is on a terrorist alert. It is now against the law to
stuff a turkey since anyone is suspicious of hiding explosives. George
W. signs this law into Congress, during a patriotic speech he defends
this decision claiming "the evil doers are just looking for any
opportunity to show up at your dinner table." This Thanksgiving take a
real good look at your relatives...and report any suspicious behavior
to
the CIA, FBI or your local police...who cares if it's grandma...it's
your duty as an American...
