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Evil, Stupidity early favorites to win '08 Presidential Race
Special to The Bunion ("All the News that's Unfit for Consumption")
WASHINGTON (Disassociated Press) - In the presidential and other races, the money's on more of the same as 2008 is looking to be another banner year for the forces of evil and stupidity, a recently released research paper has revealed.
A team from The Center for Advanced Ignoramus Studies examined intellectual capacities and behaviors of a cross-section of the voting age population over time and surmised that, barring any widespread interest in changing the system for the better, the situation likely can and will only get worse.
Among other findings their study, "Fear and Loathing Among the American Electorate," cites a potent pairing of "lesser evil" voting patterns and pure partisanship, and the public's ongoing appalling level of ignorance on vital issues as reasons not to expect anything different.
"As matters stand, Americans will continue to elect dinglesuckers," Dr. Clari N. Kall, lead researcher of the project says. "Our research shows in most cases 'Purly and Fully Malevolent' votes account for anywhere from twelve to eighteen percent of ballots, whereas a miniscule three to five percent are from people who reject the 'lesser evil' sham and vote against the status quo. The rest appear to be from trees; that would be the sap vote.
"For the most part, American politics today is about making the opposition look worse than you are. Worse yet it's not only politicians who are full of manure, now it's the electorate who are lying to each other and to themselves, and they've gotten really good at it.
"While it's true Evil thrives while good men do nothing, it's possible for good men to do something and still have Evil triumph. The American electoral system today is a prime example of that. Parties, politicians and voters are so desperate to win and compromise principles so horrendously that in essence they're selling their souls to Satan just to come out on top in elections."
Responding to the research Bea L. Zeebub, an Evil spokesdemon said, "Lord Lucifer is pleased to know things are going well." Frustrated government reformers sardonically hailed the study as further evidence of the supremacy of stupidity.