Joke Thread In Honor of Old 68

~ for laffs ;-> Originally started by Ole 63 - 'Hey, ladies. Get with the program'

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IvyQ
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The Cowboy

Post by IvyQ » 03-19-2008 09:32 AM

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.'
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.'
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.'
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.'
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

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Post by Shirleypal » 04-05-2008 08:46 PM

The #2 pencil...
The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil (this is too cute)!....You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Marg aret in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted...

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Post by Shirleypal » 04-16-2008 08:52 PM

Oooops.

His request approved, the photographer used a cell phone to call
the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine
plane would be waiting for him at the airport.


Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a
hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and
shouted, 'Let's go'. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the
wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over
the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on
the hillsides.

"Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I
need to get some close up shots.'**


** The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered,
'So, what you're telling me, is you're NOT my flight instructor?'

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Post by Shirleypal » 05-18-2008 07:22 PM

The Card Game

Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel's home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa.

After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar. When the sound of tinkling echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize.

The Colonel's wife smiled demurely, "Don't worry about it; this is the first time all evening that I've been able to tell what he has in his hand."

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Post by Shirleypal » 05-25-2008 03:10 PM

UPDATED OLDIEs

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include:

Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Cl early Now.

Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba--- Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again

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Post by Shirleypal » 07-20-2008 11:14 AM

Pregnancy Q & A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

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Post by Shirleypal » 07-27-2008 10:03 AM

Smile You're on Traffic Cam

A man drove past a traffic camera and saw it flash. He couldn't believe he had been caught speeding when he was driving below the speed limit for once! He turned around and drove past again, this time even slower. But as he passed the camera, it flashed again. He was angry! He turned around again and this time drove past at a snail's pace. But again, the camera flashed. "Oh, well," he thought. "It must be broken." and drove home. A week later, he received three tickets in the mail for not wearing his seatbelt!

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Post by Shirleypal » 07-28-2008 07:15 PM

SUPERMARKET SURROUND SOUND

The new supermarket near my house has an automatic water
mister to keep produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you
Hear the sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and
Witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and
cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of
bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the sound of a gentle breeze
and the smell of fresh buttered corn

I don't buy toilet paper there any more....

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A Little Elder Humor

Post by Shirleypal » 08-04-2008 09:23 AM

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big **** he always was.'

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An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise.' The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'

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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan, open the casket, and find the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they move towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'

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When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning, then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'

I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

And why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'
____________________________________________


Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'

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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to playing cards.

One day they were playing card s when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

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Post by Shirleypal » 08-05-2008 04:15 PM

I'm Still waiting....


I did what you told me .

I sent the email to 10 people like you said .

I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen .

To all my friends who in the last year sent me best 'wishes', chain letters, 'angel' letters or other
promises of good luck if I forwarded something,

NONE OF THAT STUFF WORKED!

For 2008, could you please just send money , chocolate , movie tickets or gasoline vouchers and airline tickets instead?

Thank you!

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Post by Shirleypal » 08-08-2008 10:30 AM

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: 'I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.' When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note 'I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.'

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Post by Shirleypal » 08-28-2008 09:57 AM

"Crabs"

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with
a box of crabs. A female crew member took the
box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator,
which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her
personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen,
and proceeded to rant and rave about what would
happen if she let the crabs thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she announced
over the intercom to the entire cabin, 'Would the
gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans,
please raise his hand?'

Not one hand went up.

So she took them home and ate them herself.

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Post by Shirleypal » 11-09-2008 05:43 PM

Life's Thoughts

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Isn't life like a roll of toilet paper? The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

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Post by Shirleypal » 11-09-2008 05:47 PM

Victoria's Real Secret

Sven and Ole were admiring the latest Victoria's Secret catalog when Sven noticed the price. "These girls are beautiful. And look at the prices!" Ole said with wide eyes, "You're right. They aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one." Sven smiled and said, "Good idea! Order one and, if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I'll get me one, too." Three weeks later, Sven asked Ole, "Did you ever receive that girl you ordered from the Victoria's Secret catalog?" Ole replied, "No, but it won't be long now -- I got her clothes yesterday!"

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Hope Depot - Heads up!

Post by DeathValleyScotty » 11-28-2008 02:24 AM

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping at Home Depot.

Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be very traumatic for me. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your stuff into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat.

On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also October 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. Please tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99.
None of us is as smart as ALL of us...

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