New Year's Humor

[Justen Tyme]

New Year's Resolutions you can keep

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Spend more time web surfing.
7. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
8. Don't jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
9. Don't have eight children at once.
10. Start being superstitious.
11. Get in a whole NEW rut!
12. Don't wrestle with Jesse Ventura.


Affirmations for the New Year

At the start of a new year, many of us will renew our commitment to living with daily affirmations. While these may not suit everyone's taste, here are some "possible" affirmations to consider... know the power of affirming truth, over and over, every day!

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

4. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of wisdom and judgment.

5. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

6. I am at one with my duality.

7. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

8. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

9. Always remember a scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

10. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

11. I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I will spend it worrying about the future.

12. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.


The month after Christmas

'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste,
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared,
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared.

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese,
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt,
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.

I said to myself, as I only can,
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie--not even a lick,
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore,
But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot,
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

[vigo]

I covered 1-7 quite well this year thank you! Ha ha. Too funny. Happy New Year JT.

[Shimmering Auro]

Bahahah!

[Riddick]

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