Joke Thread In Honor of Old 68

~ for laffs ;-> Originally started by Ole 63 - 'Hey, ladies. Get with the program'

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Joke Thread In Honor of Old 68

Post by Shirleypal » 07-01-2007 10:40 AM


The judge summoned the opposing lawyers to his chambers. "Each of you presented me with a bribe." The lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "Mr. Hearnski, you gave me $15,000. Mr. Joy, you gave me $10,000." The judge handed a check to attorney Hearnski. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000 to Mr. Hearnski and we'll decide this case solely on its merits!"

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Post by Shirleypal » 07-01-2007 10:41 AM


Jose & Carlos are panhandling on the street. Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.

Jose says "Look at your sign. It says: I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support".

Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico."

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Post by Shirleypal » 07-08-2007 10:47 AM


With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"When he cries!" she told them.

"Why do we have to wait until he cries?"

"Because I forgot where I put him, okay?"

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Post by Shirleypal » 07-15-2007 10:44 AM


The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

You discover you can get sunburned through your car window.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end
up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out
and add butter, salt and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

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Post by DeathValleyScotty » 07-19-2007 12:21 AM


A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick".

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Post by whskyfan » 07-20-2007 07:16 AM

A little Jewish grandmother gets on the crowded bus and discovers
that she doesn't have correct change for the fare. The driver tries
to be firm with her, but she places her hand delicately over her
chest and murmurs, "If you knew what I had, you'd be nicer to me." He
caves in and lets her ride for free.

She tries to push her way down the crowded aisle but people won't
move over for her. She finally places her hand delicately over her
chest and murmurs, "If you knew what I had, you'd be nicer to me."
The crowd parts like the Red Sea and lets her down the aisle.

She gets to the back of the bus where there are no seats and looks
significantly at several people, none of whom take the hint and get
up to offer her their seat. Once again she places her hand delicately
over her chest and murmurs, "If you knew what I had, you'd be nicer
to me." Several people jump up and insist that she sit down and ride
in comfort.

A woman who had been watching all this leaned over and said to her,
"I know this is none of my business, but just what is it that you've
got, anyway?

The little Jewish grandmother smiled and said, "Chutzpah."
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Post by cns » 07-31-2007 07:36 AM

Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest
2007 Results

Gerald began--but was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him ten percent of his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a ten-mile radius of the eruption, not that it mattered much because for them "permanently" meant the next ten minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash--to pee.

Jim Gleeson
Madison, WI
The winner of 2007 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest is Jim Gleeson

Grand Panjandrum's Award

LaVerne was undeniably underdressed for this frigid weather; her black, rain-soaked tank top offered no protection and seemed to cling to her torso out of sheer rage, while her tie-dyed boa scarf hung lifeless around her neck like a giant, exhausted, pipe cleaner recently discarded after near-criminal overuse by an obviously sadistic (and rather flamboyant) plumber.
Andrew Cavallari
Northfield, IL

Winner: Adventure

As the hippo's jaws clamped on Henry's body he noted the four huge teeth badly in need of a clean, preferably with one of those electric sonic toothbrushes, and he reflected that his name would be immortalized by his unusual death, since hippo killings are not a daily occurrence, at least not in the high street of Chipping Sodbury.
Tim Lafferty
Horsell, Woking, UK

For the rest:

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Post by Capt Tuttle » 08-13-2007 11:14 AM

"You’ll have to eat that donut outdoors. Nobody wants to inhale secondhand carbs!"

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Post by Shirleypal » 09-01-2007 11:49 AM

Subject: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.
_____ ______ _________________________________________
Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
_____________________ ______ _________________________
To die in the rain. Alone.
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain side." That's why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is a integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C .. ... reboot.
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
I invented the chicken!
Did I miss one?
Where's my gun?
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.


We embrace all chickens, and we will help all chickens, whether they want to or not, to cross the road. I need your help, because it takes a village to get small chicks to cross the road. (from Andrea)


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Post by Corvid » 09-01-2007 12:17 PM

:) :p :D


No chicken ever crossed the road.... it was filmed in New Mexico.

(Sorry John ;) )

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Post by SETIsLady » 09-01-2007 12:18 PM

hahaha Corvid :D

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Post by Shirleypal » 09-01-2007 12:31 PM

Good one Corvid.:D

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Post by Shirleypal » 09-02-2007 09:54 AM


A 98 year old man lay on his death bed. By all of the doctors' accounts, he would not live to see another sunrise. All of a sudden, he became aware of the ever increasing scent of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen 2 floors below. He thought, "Before I leave this world, I must have just one of my wife's wonderful chocolate chip cookies."

After all, it was such a batch of cookies made by his wife that first won his heart more than 80 years prior when they were first dating. What better way to depart this life than with the warm and loving taste of his wife's cookies still lingering on his palate?

The man bravely and arduously rolled himself in his bed until he was finally able to fall off of the bed onto the floor. He then pulled himself by his elbows, out of the room; into the hallway.

He continued to pull himself to the stairwell where he backed himself down the 2 flights of stair; painfully sliding down one step at a time. The man then pulled himself through the parlor, living room, dining room and finally into the kitchen.

Tears swelled in his eyes as he contemplated all of the love that his wife had put into that final batch of cookies. This was a most appropriate final act of love offered to him by the woman who had shared her life with him for more than 80 years.

He pulled himself to the counter top where the cooling batch of cookies lay; sending their aroma deep into his nostrils and announcing to the world that his wife's love for him was most certainly as fresh and warm today as on the day she married him.

He rested his body weight on his left elbow and with shaking determination, ever so slowly raised his right arm to a point that put his fingers so close to the cookies that he could feel the rising heat caressing his fingertips.

His wife turned her head and noticed her husband in his gallant struggle to reach for the cookies. She then grabbed his hand and declared, "Oh no you don't, those are for the funeral!"

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Post by Shirleypal » 09-04-2007 10:37 AM

Once upon a time, a Sultan was blessed with the birth of a son after
years of hoping. The boy immediately became the apple of his father's

Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan said to him, "Son, I
love you very much. Your birthday is coming soon. What would you like?"

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane." His
father bought him American Airlines.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you
are my pride and joy. Ask what you want for your birthday. Whatever
it is, it's yours."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat." His father bought him
the Princess Cruise Line.

Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you
bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get
for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons."
His father bought him Disney Studios.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you are
my life. Your birthday is coming soon. Ask what you wish. I will get
it for you."

His son, who had grown to love Disney, replied, "Daddy, I would like
a Mickey Mouse outfit and a Goofy outfit."

His father bought him the Republican Party and FOX news.

Ba-dump bump!

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Post by whskyfan » 09-11-2007 07:52 PM

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered
to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight
while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide
rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general Alberto Gonzales said
he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement.
He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzales said. "They desire average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in
a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and
"y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns," but we have determined
they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with
coordinates in every country.

"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to
every triangle," Gonzales declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have
given us more fingers and toes.

"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is
intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to
disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to
inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said,
adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root,
make our point, and draw the line."

President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the
potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never
before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to
factor-in random facts of vertex."

Attorney General Gonzales said, "As our Great Leader would say, read
my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they
continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse
tightens around their necks."
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