Joke Thread In Honor of Old 68

~ for laffs ;-> Originally started by Ole 63 - 'Hey, ladies. Get with the program'

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megman
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Post by megman » 08-25-2010 09:33 PM

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress.
"Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the ship.
"First we swim around the people in the water with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more
times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked,
"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them? "

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the crap inside!":cool:
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Post by DeathValleyScotty » 02-18-2011 11:03 PM

Have you seen the recent promotion for KFC where they want you to "gather around the bucket"? Why is it that when I see that commercial, I think of Monty Python.

Get me a bucket.
None of us is as smart as ALL of us...

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Riddick
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Post by Riddick » 03-15-2011 10:52 PM

Image

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Rombaldi
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Post by Rombaldi » 04-14-2011 08:27 PM

This old farmer had decided he was tired of eating his own cooking & was getting kinda lonely, having only his old red mule to talk to. So, he decided to go to town & find a wife. (For himself - not somebody else's). Well, after faithfully going to town & looking around for several weekends in a row, he met this gal at the farmer's market. They fell in love & decided to marry. On the big day, the old farmer washed & waxed his wagon & harness, groomed the old red mule to a gleam & headed off to 'git hitched'. After the wedding, he and his new bride started home in the wagon. (Farm girls don't get honeymoons, they just "get" to help w/ the chores). As they went to start home, the old mule wouldn't budge - for no apparent reason. The old farmer got down from the wagon, walked around to look the mule in the eye, jerked his bridle & said "That's one". He got back up on the wagon & with a shake of his head, the mule started away. They came to a railroad track, and the mule stopped & wouldn't cross. The farmer got out, walked around front, looked him in the eye, jerked that bridle again, and said "That's two". Got back on, and away they went. Came to a bridge... old red mule wouldn't cross. The farmer got out, went around, looked the mule in the eye & said "That's three" - pulled out a pistol & shot that mule right between the eyes. His new wife just freaked. "Now what? We're 5 miles from home, it's getting dark, I ain't walking, the wagon's stuck in the middle of the road..." the farmer looked at her and said "That's one".
Republican - re·pub·li·can (r-pbl-kn) - political party, which will control part of Congress 2011-2012, undermining the strength of the country - on purpose, in public, without apology or shame - simply for a campaign advantage in 2012.

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Fan
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Post by Fan » 05-19-2011 03:22 PM

So the Zen master steps up to the hot dog cart and says: "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill. The hot dog vendor puts the bill in the cash drawer and closes the drawer.

"Where's my change?" asks the Zen master. And the hot dog vendor responds: "Change must come from within".

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Raggedyann
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Post by Raggedyann » 05-19-2011 04:35 PM

:D

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Post by joan roberts » 08-17-2011 02:09 PM

An ad posted in the paper......office worker needed, type,

computer literate and bilingual......No one showed up but

a dog, man said can you type, dog went to typewriter

and batted out a perfect letter, so he said what about

the computer, dog went to computer and batted out

spread sheets etc perfect so man said what about

bilingual, dog said "meow":crazyjump

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hunting

Post by joan roberts » 09-03-2011 06:05 PM

A man wanted to go duck hunting and he purchased a hunting dog

great day he shot the ducks and the dog walked accross the

water and grought them back, he thought nobody is going

to belive this so I'll take the most skeptical person I know

with me...same thing, he shoots the ducks, dog walks accross

the water barely getting his paws wet. so while they are

driving home, he asks the skeptic if he saw anything unusual

about the dog and he said "yeah your dog cant swim"

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Post by cns » 09-04-2011 09:21 AM

:lol: x2.
Just two things that money can't buy. . .'n that's true love and home grown tomatoes. . . . . . John Denver (?)

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mensa

Post by joan roberts » 10-21-2011 06:32 PM

supplying new words:
Cashtration
the act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.,
Ignoranus: A person who"s both stupid and an asshole.
Inaxicaton Euphoris at getting a tax refund which lasts
until you realize i was your money to start with
reinarnation Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone The substance surrounding stupid people
that stops bright ideas from penetrating The bozone
layer unfortunately shows little sign of breaking down in
the near future.
Foreploy Any misrepresentation about yourself for the
purpose of getting laid
Giraffiti Vandalism spray painted very very high
Sarchasm The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit
and the person who doesnt get it

To be continued..........

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Post by Huggs » 12-10-2011 09:23 PM

went back to see my doctor today.

I said, "I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."

"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.

I said, "On the bus."

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Post by Riddick » 02-15-2012 06:12 PM

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping in the forest. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they went to sleep in the tent.

Several hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend, Watson.

"Look at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson answered: "I see millions and millions of stars."

"And what does that tell you?"

Watson thought a minute and answered: "Astronomically, that tells me that there are potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I see that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, I deduce that it is approximately three ten AM. Theologically, I see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically I suspect that we shall have a beautiful day tomorrow."

Holmes was quiet for a minute and then said: "Watson, you are an idiot. Someone stole our tent."

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Post by Dale O Sea » 07-07-2012 10:52 AM

Why I fired my Secretary:

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning...

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought.....

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember..

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there.....


On the couch...


Naked.

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megman
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Post by megman » 07-08-2012 04:12 PM

A Texan walked into a brothel in New Orleans and bellied up to the bar.
"My name is John. Everyone calls me Big Bad John. I come from Texas, ladies and gents. I’m six foot four and 225 pounds of dynamite. And I want me the best dang whore in the place."

The madam calls over Dallas Rose, her best girl and sends them upstairs to one of the rooms.
When they were undressing, he went through his Big Bad John routine again. A few minutes later Dallas Rose comes running madly down the stairs shouting, "Run, run for your lives. There’s 225 pounds of dynamite upstairs with a two inch fuse!"
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Post by voguy » 07-08-2012 06:22 PM

"How long have you been driving without a tail light, buddy?" demanded the policeman.

The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a low moan. His distress was so great that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

"Aw, come now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "What happened to my boat and trailer?"
"I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them." - Thomas Jefferson

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