Joke Thread In Honor of Old 68

~ for laffs ;-> Originally started by Ole 63 - 'Hey, ladies. Get with the program'

Moderator: Super Moderators

User avatar
Riddick
Pirate
Posts: 13954
Joined: 11-01-2002 03:00 AM
Location: Heartland USA
Contact:

Choke Of The Day

Post by Riddick » 11-21-2020 04:05 AM

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden camera and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:

ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY
There are none so asleep & oblivious to the real world as those who are & would be Woken.

"Inside every progressive is a totalitarian screaming to get out." - David Horowitz

User avatar
Riddick
Pirate
Posts: 13954
Joined: 11-01-2002 03:00 AM
Location: Heartland USA
Contact:

TGIF Funnies

Post by Riddick » 02-12-2021 01:23 AM

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image
There are none so asleep & oblivious to the real world as those who are & would be Woken.

"Inside every progressive is a totalitarian screaming to get out." - David Horowitz

User avatar
Riddick
Pirate
Posts: 13954
Joined: 11-01-2002 03:00 AM
Location: Heartland USA
Contact:

TGIF Funnies

Post by Riddick » 02-19-2021 04:36 AM

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image
There are none so asleep & oblivious to the real world as those who are & would be Woken.

"Inside every progressive is a totalitarian screaming to get out." - David Horowitz

User avatar
Riddick
Pirate
Posts: 13954
Joined: 11-01-2002 03:00 AM
Location: Heartland USA
Contact:

Re: TGIF Funnies

Post by Riddick » 04-02-2021 09:27 AM

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image
There are none so asleep & oblivious to the real world as those who are & would be Woken.

"Inside every progressive is a totalitarian screaming to get out." - David Horowitz

User avatar
Riddick
Pirate
Posts: 13954
Joined: 11-01-2002 03:00 AM
Location: Heartland USA
Contact:

Friday Foodie Funnies

Post by Riddick » 04-16-2021 12:38 PM

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

User avatar
Riddick
Pirate
Posts: 13954
Joined: 11-01-2002 03:00 AM
Location: Heartland USA
Contact:

TGIF Funnies

Post by Riddick » 04-30-2021 12:35 PM

Image

Image

Image

Caninus Facebookicus
Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

User avatar
Riddick
Pirate
Posts: 13954
Joined: 11-01-2002 03:00 AM
Location: Heartland USA
Contact:

Funnies Friday

Post by Riddick » 05-21-2021 01:02 PM

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image
There are none so asleep & oblivious to the real world as those who are & would be Woken.

"Inside every progressive is a totalitarian screaming to get out." - David Horowitz

User avatar
Riddick
Pirate
Posts: 13954
Joined: 11-01-2002 03:00 AM
Location: Heartland USA
Contact:

Funnies Friday

Post by Riddick » 05-28-2021 01:14 PM

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

User avatar
Riddick
Pirate
Posts: 13954
Joined: 11-01-2002 03:00 AM
Location: Heartland USA
Contact:

If Kids Today Are The Future

Post by Riddick » 06-17-2021 12:32 PM

I can picture society going off a cliff

Image

User avatar
Riddick
Pirate
Posts: 13954
Joined: 11-01-2002 03:00 AM
Location: Heartland USA
Contact:

TGIF Funnies

Post by Riddick » 06-25-2021 01:39 PM

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

User avatar
Riddick
Pirate
Posts: 13954
Joined: 11-01-2002 03:00 AM
Location: Heartland USA
Contact:

So Blonde...

Post by Riddick » 07-02-2021 11:43 PM

SHE WAS SO BLONDE...
... she thought a quarterback was a refund
... she thought General Motors was in the army
... she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats
... at the bottom where it said "sign here" she wrote Libra

SHE WAS SOO BLONDE...
... she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
... she sent a fax with a stamp on it
... she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday
... under "education" she put "Hooked on Phonics"

SHE WAS SOOO BLONDE...
... she tripped over a cordless phone
... she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate"
... she told me to meet her at the corner of "walk" and "don't walk"
... she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store

SHE WAS SOOOO BLONDE...
... she tried to put M...Ms in alphabetical order
... she studied for a blood test
... she sold her car for gas money
... when the sign said "AIRPORT LEFT" she turned around and went home

SHE WAS SOOOOO BLONDE...
... when she heard that 90% of crimes occurred near home, she moved
... she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company
... she thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless
... she thought she could not use her AM radio in the evening

User avatar
Riddick
Pirate
Posts: 13954
Joined: 11-01-2002 03:00 AM
Location: Heartland USA
Contact:

TGIF Funnies

Post by Riddick » 07-09-2021 02:29 PM

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image

Image
There are none so asleep & oblivious to the real world as those who are & would be Woken.

"Inside every progressive is a totalitarian screaming to get out." - David Horowitz

User avatar
Riddick
Pirate
Posts: 13954
Joined: 11-01-2002 03:00 AM
Location: Heartland USA
Contact:

Things To Consider

Post by Riddick » 07-16-2021 01:41 AM

There are two rules for ultimate success in life.1. Never tell everything you know.

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

Never hesitate to steal a good idea.

Do unto others, then run.

Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.

Just because the other guy is stupid does not mean you're smart.

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It's full of nuts.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.

You live and learn. At any rate, you live.

All publicity is good, except an obituary notice.

The truth is out there. So what are you doing here?!

User avatar
Riddick
Pirate
Posts: 13954
Joined: 11-01-2002 03:00 AM
Location: Heartland USA
Contact:

Ineffective Daily Affirmations

Post by Riddick » 07-23-2021 12:47 AM

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

Joan of Arc heard voices too.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I’m giving as much as I’m getting.

I honor and express all facets of my being, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step — blaming my parents.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute… I’ll find someone.

Why should I waste time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

User avatar
Malaria_Kidd II
Pirate
Posts: 2500
Joined: 11-26-2015 03:51 PM
Location: SW IN
Contact:

Re: Joke Thread In Honor of Old 68

Post by Malaria_Kidd II » 07-23-2021 03:35 AM

:shock: Sounds like a conniving president, dictator, prime minister or greedy royalty from anywhere on the planet! :confused:

MK II
.......all wasteful, climate changing wars. Begun again by the Red Blooded Royals, or by a bewitching God-like dictator, or any so called religion, or for any other reasons like a world wide virus pandemic! MK II 4/26/15

Post Reply

Return to “Laugh a bit with Ole 68”